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Category Archives: Parenting

Redefining Societal Expectations of Parents

This post is dedicated to all those out there that were not so happy with the parent(s) they were born to….

Life is not something that can be explained in concrete terms.

Parents have children that they may not be ready to raise appropriately all the time.  Does that mean that they are bad parents?

My husband and I were watching a Steve Wilko Episode yesterday – about a mother who purposely got her daughter hooked on heroin just so that she could pay her bills from the prostitution money that her daughter was able to bring in.

Listen…….I can’t argue the fact that this woman was in every sense a “bad” parent……but, the daughter was able to move on with her life by managing to get to a rehab program and stick to it and despite the hardships and temptations of heroin, this young girl was able to bring herself out of the black hole of addiction.

Does that make her mother a good mother?

The mother who pushed heroin on her daughter ended up giving birth to a great kid……better than most……shouldn’t the mother get credit?

Everyone will agree that the mother gets no credit for raising a smart girl.

Buit….why does everyone also agree that the mother should pay with her life for raising a child that isn’t as smart.

Parenting is a funny thing.  If you suck at it…..you lose.

If you were great at it (in your opinion) you lose as well……because the credit goes to the child for the child’s own accomplishments.

Let me tell you about my life with my mother.

My mother was a child born to a set of holocaust survivors.  My grandfather was a survivor of Aushwitz, one of the most deadly concentration camps in Germany, and my grandmother was a survivor of various work camps….not deadly, but grueling for any human being to have to live through.

I remember hearing a story that my grandfather and grandmother used to tell with pride…….they used to brag about how well disciplined my mother was…….if she would dare leave the house with her sweatshirt on backwards (which apparently she did occasionally), they would beat her for it.

And many other stories like this one.

I was the first born of my parents.

I am not going to discuss my father, because that is going to be a different post all together….but I want to discuss my mother.

I grew up being scared shitless of her.  My brother and I used to hide when we would hear her bed creak – an indication that she was about to wake up and come and get us.

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Multitasking…a Woman’s Road to Hell

Why do we do it?

Why do we feel the need to be perfect?

Perfect body, perfect hair, perfect make up, perfect career, perfect clothes, perfect home, perfect children, perfect life……..

And…since there aren’t enough hours in one day to do everything perfectly – we multitask.

We talk business during our yoga class. .  We keep up with  the latest fashion trends at work…..We take care of errands on our lunch break…..We clean the house and cook dinner while trying to pay attention to our children…..And we sleep while our husbands are waiting for us to tell them it is a good night to be intimate.

Why do we do this?  Who are we doing everything for?

If you are single and you have a great career that affords you the luxury of pampering yourself – great!!…..But…..how do you expect to add a husband and children into the mix…..unless you give part of that lifestyle up?

Some of you say its no problem….I can do it all.  I am woman.  Hear me roar.

But I want you to be honest with yourself…..we all have to do it at some point in our life…..can anyone really do it ALL – and not fail at something?

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Mother-In-Laws and their Baby Boys

If you are considering marring (or are already married) to a “mommy’s baby boy”……my condolences.

I was that girl…..and I didn’t realize what I was in for before I got married to them.

When my first husband and I got married, he was working in day camp as a life guard and I had a real job with benefits and pay.  During the year (after a lot of coaxing) he got a job in a school part time as a gym teacher.  I got pregnant right after our wedding.  We panicked a little, but since we both got along with my mother-in-law at the time,we all decided that it would be a good idea that she moved in with us so that I could keep working and we didn’t have to pay a babysitter during the day.

It turned out not to be such a good idea.

Before Kayla, my daughter, was born, we were a having a few problems due to the fact that whenever my husband and I fought, he would always include his mother and her opinion…..and he would tell me…:”See, my mother agrees with me..”

I started slowly but surely resenting his mother and I didn’t want to live with her after a while, but I had no choice.  The baby was coming and my husband at the time still didn’t have a good job.

So, instead, I simply became a bitch.  I came home from work everyday pregnant and angry and the duo got the raw end of it.

Kayla was born and six weeks later I had to go back to work.  This was understood from the beginning and if I didn’t go back to work, we would have no money to pay our bills.

I nursed Kayla whenever I could, but, of course, during the day, while I was at work, I could not nurse her and I left milk for my mother in law to feed her with.

After about a month, I started noticing that when I was home, Kayla would not sleep until I nursed her.  I found this to be weird  – especially since my mother in law was the type to not let a baby cry even for one second.  How did she manage to keep her from crying without nursing her?

I confronted my husband with this and he told me I was crazy.

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Should We Continue to Pressure our Kids to go to College?

I know that many people will disagree with me on this subject…..but I think it is time to stop putting so much pressure on our kids to go to college.

Yes, I do realize that college has the potential to increase the opportunities that our children have in their life, presuming that they do well, but college also has the potential to destroy their lives.

Even CUNY colleges are going to rack up about a $30,000 bill by your kid graduates….and college tuition is not a money back guarantee.

If your kid does not find a job in their chosen career, they will be in the same position as everyone who didn’t go to college is in…….having to find any source of work that will pay the bills.

The only difference would be that they had to invest at least $30,000 dollars to find this out.

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Juststuffthatinterestsme.wordpress.com posted this today and I thought it was a perfect compliment to all my other “good parent” posts.
We must, as parents, realize that our role is not to be our children’s friend. It is to teach them about life. We don’t need our children to like us…they only have to respect us.
So let’s give them a reason to respect us……

Other posts you might like:

Life is full of controversy so here is a thought to live by:

Why is life unfair?
Because there’s never going to be a system that is fair to everyone.
Shannon Miller

Just Stuff that interests me

When I lost my daughter to a car accident in 2005, my nephew brought her personal effects to me including her cell phone.  He really didn’t want to give me that phone.  He was afraid that I would be upset.  You see she had me in her contact list not as Mom, but as Asspain.

I wasn’t upset in the least.  I was glad she thought that I was a pain in the ass, it’s a title I earned by being her mother, not her friend.  As her mother I had a responsibility to raise her and teach her right from wrong.  It was my responsibility to make sure that she developed the skills she needed in life and as a parent you can’t do that without teaching hard lessons to your children.  If you teen doesn’t think you are a pain in the ass you aren’t doing it right.

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Posted by on February 10, 2012 in Parenting, Why is Life Unfair?

 

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Protecting vs. Exposing Children

A child who is protected from all controversial ideas is as vulnerable as a child who is protected from every germ. The infection, when it comes- and it will come- may overwhelm the system, be it the immune system or the belief system.”  Jane Smiley

As a woman with two daughters I know what it means to want to be the best mother I can be and how hard that is to do.

I know the feeling of not being sure whether what we are doing is what is really the best for them – which is all we want to do.

I know the feeling of wanting our kids to be happy and not to hurt too much.

I know the feeling of understanding that in order for our kids to be happy, they must be equipped with the right life tools necessary to make that happen.

I know the feeling of being unsure as to whether we are able to provide our kids with those tools.

I know the feeling of making that motherly decision as to what we think is the best for our kids and going all the way with it.

I know the feeling of disappointment when we realize that we may have been wrong.

I know the feeling of trying something else that is not necessarily accepted by societal standards.

I know the feeling of disapproval from friends and family for trying new methods of mothering.

I know the feeling of contentment when my kids finally get me and understand that all I want for them is to be happy…..but in order to be happy they have to take responsibility for themselves and their actions.

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Anti-Obesity Ads Foster Shame

The weight subject is getting out of hand.   I know Michelle Obama likes to work out twice a day to get those arms to look the way they do….but not everybody is wired that way.

I don’t know about all of you, but if someone insists on reminding me about all of my flaws, I tend to (or at least I used to) focus on them as well.

Why do we insist on focusing on flaws – especially in our children?!?

I read this article today that really upset me.  We claim to want to deal with the bully problem in schools and at the same time put ads up like this one?

Does anyone out there think that this OK and will effectively shame our kids into losing weight?

Shame does not work.  Support and encouragement is the best medicine.  And sometimes….we might have to ignore the flaw and focus on the diamond.

I know families that are super fitness oriented and somehow they have one chubby kid in the mix.  Do you think reminding this kid daily that they are chubbier than the rest is going to help the situation?

And……who says that being as thin as possible is what we want our kids to achieve?  Why aren’t we focusing on brain and mind development?  Is that even important anymore – or is the only thing that matters is what we look like?

Did it occur to anyone that we all die one day and our bodies get buried 6 feet under – but our minds are filled with energy that never dies?!?

Instead of focusing on what is wrong with our children, let’s find something they can be proud of and maybe they will focus on that instead.

Divert their attention…..maybe that will work……Have we tried it yet?

Other posts you might like:

How Important is Being Thin?

8 Year Old Put Into Foster For Being Overweight

When a Parent Pushes a Career on Their Kid

Depression and the Solution

You Are Perfect – No Approval Necessary

What is a “Good” Mother?

Why is Life Unfair?

Life is full of controversy so here is a thought to live by:
Why is life unfair?
Because there’s never going to be a system that is fair to everyone.
Shannon Miller
 

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