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Mother-In-Laws and their Baby Boys

15 Feb

If you are considering marring (or are already married) to a “mommy’s baby boy”……my condolences.

I was that girl…..and I didn’t realize what I was in for before I got married to them.

When my first husband and I got married, he was working in day camp as a life guard and I had a real job with benefits and pay.  During the year (after a lot of coaxing) he got a job in a school part time as a gym teacher.  I got pregnant right after our wedding.  We panicked a little, but since we both got along with my mother-in-law at the time,we all decided that it would be a good idea that she moved in with us so that I could keep working and we didn’t have to pay a babysitter during the day.

It turned out not to be such a good idea.

Before Kayla, my daughter, was born, we were a having a few problems due to the fact that whenever my husband and I fought, he would always include his mother and her opinion…..and he would tell me…:”See, my mother agrees with me..”

I started slowly but surely resenting his mother and I didn’t want to live with her after a while, but I had no choice.  The baby was coming and my husband at the time still didn’t have a good job.

So, instead, I simply became a bitch.  I came home from work everyday pregnant and angry and the duo got the raw end of it.

Kayla was born and six weeks later I had to go back to work.  This was understood from the beginning and if I didn’t go back to work, we would have no money to pay our bills.

I nursed Kayla whenever I could, but, of course, during the day, while I was at work, I could not nurse her and I left milk for my mother in law to feed her with.

After about a month, I started noticing that when I was home, Kayla would not sleep until I nursed her.  I found this to be weird  – especially since my mother in law was the type to not let a baby cry even for one second.  How did she manage to keep her from crying without nursing her?

I confronted my husband with this and he told me I was crazy.

A few more weeks passed by, and, not only am I depressed about having to leave everyday to go to work to support everybody, my mother in law was cleaning, cooking and taking care of my baby……and acting like she was the woman of the house!

She basically was the wife and my husband and my baby were her two children and I was the money source.

And Kayla still was not sleeping until I nursed her.

So I confronted my mother in law…..and guess what….she actually admitted to letting Kayla “nurse” from her breasts until she fell asleep.

No, she did not have any milk.  First she gave her a bottle and then a breast.

That was all I needed to know.  The next day I quit my job and stayed home with my daughter and nursed her myself.

I came home that day and had to lock myself up in my room with Kayla because my mother in law was going nuts and threatening me with mild violence (although, she technically couldn’t really hurt a fly) because of my lack of appreciation for her and my husband was telling me this was all my fault because I didn’t show his mother any respect.

Everything from that day forward – for 8 more years – was downhill.

My husband NEVER took my side over his mother’s……and I ALWAYS resented them for that.

I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday and they had a mother-in-law, her son and his wife on the show.  Long story short, the mother in law felt that her son could do better and would encourage him to look around for better prospects.  Since there were grandchildren involved, she would frequently visit their house (which she paid for) and make sure to mention every spot that was not cleaned properly and to her standards.  She also implied multiple times to Dr. Phil  that the kids must be very unhappy with their mother because they always tell her that they want to live with her.

If you are a mother in law with this description (and be honest with yourself) you are harming your grandchildren – despite the fact that you think that you are G-d’s gift to them.  My first husband, the father of my two children, and I are currently divorced (for this and many, many other reasons) and the only two people that had to pay the price for our divorce were my children.

I truly believe that if my mother in law would have supported me as her daughter in law for the sake of her grandchildren, as opposed to only supporting my husband because he was her son, my husband would have listened to what she had to say and maybe worked a little harder for the sake of the marriage.  But because she did not have any respect for me, it gave my husband carte blanche to have zero respect for me as well.

If you are a woman who is about to be married to someone you suspect is a “mamma’s boy”, if you can’t make it clear to this guy that you come first….run for your life.  I would never say this to someone if I really didn’t feel that it was a losing situation.  The only way you will come out of this with your dignity is if you have a strong enough personality to not care that your husband will always love and respect his mother more than you……and she will thrive on that.

Although I am not “religious”, I often (pretty much all the time) find wisdom in what the ancient text says……. and lo and behold in Genesis 2:23-24 this is what it says:

Then the man said, ‘This one at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.  This one shall be called Woman, for from man was she taken.  Hence a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh.”

Adam did not have a father and a mother….this was a message to US!

And the message was for our own good.

If you are a mamma’s boy and reading this, you must, for the sake of your family (or your future family) stop the nonsense and be with the person you chose to be with entirely.  You can still love your mother, but you cannot allow her to control you any longer.

Other posts you might like:

Should We Continue to Pressure our Kids to go to College?

What it Takes to Build a Marriage that Works

Protecting vs. Exposing Children

Gender Balance – Have We Achieved It?

Man & Woman – Friend or Foe?

What is a “Good” Mother?

iWhy is Life Unfair?

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